A step towards recovery...

I know I need to get myself out of my head and get my head into books. I know I need to make school a top priority, but I think a big part of what has sent me far off my path to happiness...is my relationship with God, or lack thereof.

All my life I was part of "the church"--despite not having faith until high school. I was in christian classes one a week since kindergarten. In middle school I went through ""Conformation" to confirm my catholic faith, despite my weak and wavering doubts. High school was a major transformation for me. I went to my first meeting with the youth group at my church and it changed my life... they changed my life. For once I had a strong foothold. I had support to survive. My gpa went from a 2.5 to a 3.8, my popularity grew and eventually people stopped bringing me down. I had confidence because I had God and I had met some of the most amazing people in the world. Now that I've graduated, I've gone to college and have distanced myself from church. I am uncomfortable with the idea of a different youth group, I refuse to go to the groups on campus. The closest I've ever gotten to joining a youth group was "Tuesday Night Live", a skit night thrown by the baptist group on campus, afterwards they always had a group prayer and guest speaker.

Last year was the only time I had felt close to God in the past three years. My ex restored my faith in God. He was the only person who made me think of home, he gave me the comfort my youth group provided for me. He was someone to confide in, as well as he was on a level with God that I had once been. I began looking up scriptures and praying when I was upset (and consulting my ex) and things were brighter. However that year was very difficult on me due to my overload of class work, illness, and family deaths. Distance took a toll on our relationship and thus I fell again.

I realized that even though my relationship with Nathan made me feel closer to God, I still did not fully reconnect as I was too focused on my schooling and using Nathan as a means to help me with my problems. I need to put more faith in God, not just my friends and boyfriends. God knows what's best for me, after all--he provided me with Nathan to get me back on my feet after my debilitating relationship. He provided me with the support of THREE roommates this year to help me through my break up. He reconnected me with a friend who is now my major confidant. He is thus far, the only person I've ever met who has been flat out honest with me. Unlike many of my friends, he doesn't feel like he has to hid his true self from me in fear that I will judge him. For that, I am very grateful. I have someone who I can confide in and not have to worry about repercussions and the same goes to him. I've helped him with some of his internal struggles,e he too is trying to reconnect with God, in turn--I'm encouraged to do the same.

So here I am Lord. I'm ready to fix this. I can't wait around for the comfort of a youth group. I can't expect one person to carry my burdens. I need to put them in your hands and embrace the support of my friends and family.

Let the mending commence.

Listening to #1 on my playlist...

Despite the fact that my problems do not entail any relation to drinking, I can't help I but relate. I never let myself get better. I'm running in the same damn circle I have for years. Sure, for a short while I was off this worn path and onto something better--but that was thrown back in my face months ago. So here I am, wallowing in my own self pity. "When you realize it's a pattern and not a phase..." couldn't strike home more for me. I don't allow myself to get better. I hold my hopes high but my motivation low. I want someone to come in and swoop me off my feet. I want someone to take away all the bad. I want one person to UNDERSTAND my problems instead of shying away from me like others. When my friends notice there's something wrong I push them away, yet I expect to get better. I expect that all it'll take is that one person. THAT PERSON HAS TO BE ME. I have to get better before I can really expect to find someone willing to dedicate themselves to me, when I can barely commit to myself.

I've noticed that no matter how good of a friend, lover, girl friend, daughter, sister that I am, it won't keep them around until I give myself some leeway to enjoy life. I worry so damn much about what others will think of me if I mess up that I won't participate in many activities. I get so caught up in my own desperation to move on that I forget to move forward in my academics. I'm in a deep freaking hole.

Things are better now, when will I realize that?

I'm not surrounded by people who think the world is better off without me.
I'm out of an sexually/mentally abusive, unfaithful, controlling relationship.
I have friends and family who support me.
I have a dad, despite the distance, who is more attentive now than he ever was during my childhood.
I'm on good terms with my good ex, though I still feel the ting of abandonment from that relationship. Even he didn't keep his word on the one area he said he would, that aside I can still say he is one of the most amazing guys I know.  He caused me no real harm, I wish him the best.

I've been abandoned, scarred, tormented and morphed by many people. It's hard to not in the mirror and think how unattractive I really am. It's hard to trust people when every day I see their lies--that's what happens when you become accustomed to watching in the silence, you learn to read people, you begin to know them better than they know themselves. It's hard not to worry that if I do dedicate myself again to life, to truly let go and move on, that it won't happen again. I know it'll never be like it was in my younger years...but the thought still cripples me. However, I know that's not my only problem--when I'm down, I make myself fall harder. Instead of trying again, I just tell myself more reasons to why I should stay down.

I'm determined to fix this damn it. It's been too long. I have time to myself now-a-days. I will do this.

Glad this week is over.

One hell of a week but my friends helped me through it. I feel much better now and I'm glad to be back home :)

On a separate note, I added a playlist to my page. It's currently on auto play, I may change that--not sure if I like it.

I encourage any of you who are into music (specifically acoustic sets) to check out "Human Nature" by Rucca. It's an acoustic duo of two girls who I graduated with, one of them is a good friend of mine and I'm sure she'd greatly appreciate it. Also you can check them out at here.

Enjoy!

I have the worst damn luck.

once said, always said.

I pity anyone who has never owned a pet.

I don't mean someone who can't own a pet--be it financial constriction or living situation, though I do feel sorry for them; I pity the people who never owned a pet and never will.


The people who think I'm crazy for saying my dog is one of my best friends. The people who are grossed out when my dog sheds on them. The people who think it's a waste of time to dedicate my life to both humans and animals.

They have never owned a pet, therefore they do not know how strong the animal-human bond can be. They don't understand the unconditional love that an animal will give their owner. They think it's a waste of time and money to own a pet. They believe that animals only 'love' because we feed them.  They don't think animals communicate (with humans or other animals, hence when a dog barks, it's just being loud). They don't think animals have the ability to feel, fear, ration, etc.

They'll never know until they own one. They'll never understand. I don't care how many animals they've been around, they have to live with one to know--because of this, I pity them greatly.

I'm proud to say that Sparky has impacted me in more ways than I can name. I cannot fathom who I'd be, had I not owned him. He has been there for me when my friends and family have not. He is the reason why I will never give up on trying to be a Veterinarian. I want to help lengthen pets lives--not just for them, but for their owners as well. We need our pets more than they'll ever need us.

-----------------


" A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

Reflection

I can't say there is a specific reason, I had no sudden realization that I should be a vet--I have wanted to work with animals since I was little. There's just something about life that intrigues me, as a child I was constantly out hunting for insects, snakes and rabbits to take care of and observe. Most all of my earliest memories involve my adventures of the outdoors and my encounters with animals; when I was 3 I picked up my first snake (to my dad's dismay), at the age of 5, I was capturing insects and hiding them in my room, and as a teen, I'd spend all the daylight out in the woods observing wildlife.

It's no wonder that my favorite subject is Biology--I love how everything in our world thrives off of the existence of another. There is a balance of nature that should be observed and appreciated by all. Yet, I feel like I've  become one of them. I've become one of those people who just moves through my life, just trying to survive college and keep my job. It sickens me. I have become depressive and immobile over these past few years, just WAITING to get finished with college. I've lost my drive, I've lost my passion, I've lost sense of who I am as a person. I've become another drone of society, just trying to make survive American culture.

I need to rekindle that love for everything around me, appreciate what I have and what I can do for others. If I keep running in the same circle that I've paved these past few years, I'll never get out. I want to enjoy my classes. I want to get up at 8 a.m. and hike. I want show up late for work because I stopped to smell the flowers. I want to explore the world around instead of just trying to jump through all the rings society throws at me. I want to enjoy life.

Hmm..

I don't understand how some people don't like to read.  My roommate and I were discussing some classic works we were required to read in high school such as The Great Gatsby, Lord of The Flies, The Yellow Wallpaper, Harrison Bergeron, The Most Dangerous Game, Of Mice and Men, and Catcher in The Rye. During our discussion, majority of those who joined in (friends) had no recollection of such books or disliked every such work.  I found this quite shocking, but I suppose everyone is different.

But how, HOW can one not enjoy reading? I'm dying to read something, anything other than one of my textbooks. It's been forever since I've read a "real" novel. After talking with my roommate, I'm a bit nostalgic for the days of high school--I used to read 2-3 books a week (recreational).

Thankfully, I may relive some of those memories soon. I found a $25 gift card my dad gave me a while back that I can use to buy a few books--I'd like to buy a couple of the works I read in high school.

I was thinking Catcher in The Rye and What's Eating Gilbert Grape. It's been quite some time since I've read either of these. In addition, there are quite a few Hunter S. Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut novels that I've wanted to read for some time that I've yet to purchase.

Besides those novels, I need to tackle something different--but I have no idea where to start.

Suggestions?

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma has a pause at the end of a clause.

:)

I hope I can make it.

I have my worries about getting accepted into vet school...in fact it's been on my mind for quite some time...

Do I have the stamina to survive vet school if accepted?


Yesterday in my Beef Production Lab, we were required to attend a lecture on Ruminant Kinematics and observe multiple techniques for Bovine castration.

I am familiar with all of the techniques used today and I am well aware that out of any other species (besides chickens and pigs), Cattle do not receive any form of pain management, anesthetic, or numbing agent such as Lidocaine. Having worked at a Vet clinic for the past 3 years, I find it very morally constricting, thus I have refused to participate each time I've been given the opportunity.


I know I can't deny castrating livestock animals, I can't back out of "processing" piglets because I am required to learn both Large animal and small animal veterinary treatment. I disagree with many of the mindsets behind large animal medicine (WHY ARE HORSES ON A PEDESTAL WHILE COWS, PIGS, SHEEP, AND CHICKENS ONLY GET LOW COST TREATMENT) and I'm not sure how to cope with it. In addition, there are a few aspects of other veterinary learning techniques that I may have to do despite my disagreement--such as performing a surgery on an animal I know will not 'wake' up afterwards, despite 100% accuracy (note: not all programs require this).

I know I'm not the only Vet student with these opinions... I can't be. I know that as a Veterinarian, I am going to take an Oath that will state that I, in every circumstance, will try to alleviate pain and suffering of animals. How can I do so under these conditions? We have the ability to make life a little nicer for both companion animals and non companion animals, so why not?

I am aware that there is one product on the market that is a non-steroidal medication with a 0 withdraw period; this means it is safe to distribute to the animal and will not affect us if we consume the animal. Yet, instead of investing in this product to alleviate pain of the animal, we decline as both producers and consumers because we are too cheap to fund such products.

Now, I know this is one of the minor issues I have when it comes to factory farming as well as large animal veterinary medicine--but it seriously irks me.

The conditions that many of these operations are performed under, are unsanitary to say the least. It's all about saving time and money.  I know in today's society, saving money is essential to survive the economy--but seriously, why do others have to suffer?

I don't care if you eat meat, I don't care if you don't eat meat--I care about the quality of care provided for living creatures though. I hate the living conditions of most livestock animals, I hate how it seems so unnatural, and I hate how many of those in the profession fail to care whether the animal suffers or not.

We, as humans, are irresponsible and inconsiderate. This goes both locally and globally. We care about furthering ourselves and often times overlook those who help us along the way (be it animal or another human). I mean, think about it--it's not just livestock.  I mean think about it--it's not just livestock, it's our companion animals as well. We have places like puppy mills and shelters filled to the brim with cats and dogs that need to be cared for, yet we make them suffer. People over-breed, under-treat, and harm animals because we are either uneducated or selfish. Our society has become money hungry and those beneath us suffer. I digress, but there is a point to all of this-- can I make it through Vet school with these opinions?

Too many times have I held my tongue when an ignorant client comes into my work. Too many times I've had to sit back while a agriculture professor questions vegan/vegetarianism (because of body requirements--note third world countries lacking proper protein intake, results in emaciation), yet promotes producing the most at little cost and at consequence of the animal. The fail to realize that often times, as welfare promoters, many are not out to shut down the business as whole, we are not trying to send thousands of people out of business--rather, we're trying to provide a better life for the animal. As stated before, to me, it's not about whether you eat meat or not, it's a matter of what did that 'meat' go through to get to your mouth? Did it ever get to see the light of day? Has it ever seen or felt grass?


This was not supposed to turn into a rant about factory farming--it's greater than that. It's about out ability to empathize with other living creatures. It's not about whether or not they have the level of 'awareness' as humans do, it's not about sending 'farmer Joe' into poverty, it's not about imprisoning those who don't spay/neuter their pets--it's about recognizing that these creatures feel pain, just as we do and wouldn't you want a little more respect than they get? Especially since THEY provide us with LOVE or PROFIT. You'd think something as valuable as they are would be higher on our priority list.

I know my opinions are strong and they may be difficult to maintain in vet school, but the second I take that oath, I'm sticking to it. I'm here on this earth to minimize suffering. I want to help others. Big and small. Human and animal. I'm not here to pave shortcuts and make a fast buck. I'm here for the real deal.

"...And I still don't even know what I need to do to fix myself..."

I hope I am not giving the wrong impression of myself through my blogs. I'm usually quite the optimist, yet here I am...every other post, another rant.

I'm only kidding myself if I think that I can keep this a silver lining kind of blog. My emotions, thoughts, wants and needs are pooling in my mind--my blog is the drain.


I need this release. I need this relief.

I shouldn't have to cry on my birthday

I love my Mom to death and I am very thankful to have her in my life...
She, without a doubt, raised my brother and I to the best of her ability, especially being a single parent since I was 3.  She has been there for us through thick and thin...
BUT

was what just happened really necessary?

Can I talk to my father on the phone without having to be guilt tripped?

I can't help that he wanted to hear from me on my Birthday.
I can't help that I haven't talked to him in a little while, so our conversation was longer than expected.
I can't help that I love him just as much as I love her, so why do I get punished for it?

Part 2

We're monsters. Once said, always said.

Beautiful monsters, but still monsters.

I do not and will not hate humanity. I love that I am human. I love our species. We are beautiful and broken. We all need help. We are the leading species, yet we are the most emotionally unstable. One tragic event can lead to the downfall of a good man.

I had this idea, growing up, that I could change the world. That I could inspire others through my actions and bring back the good. That somehow we would realize that what we're doing is destroying "life"  as we know it.

I realize now that I can't change the world--but I still want to strive to make a difference.

I've lost my kindness. I've lost my dedication to others. I've begun to hold grudges. I sit, I muse and I do nothing more.

I want to take action. I want to go back to the sweet girl I was before. I want to go out of my way to give someone a compliment every day. I want to make people laugh. I want to make people realize they're worth something. I want to protect a friend. I want to fight poverty. I want broaden mine and others horizons. I want to beautify the world one step at a time.

I'm tired of being afraid to change myself. I'm tired of doing what mainstream society tells me too. Life is not about being rich and famous. It's about living for others. It's about protecting the unprotected. It's about being vulnerable. It's about improving the world to improve yourself.

The war may never be won, but I can certainly contribute to the battle. We all can.

Part 1.

We've all went through a stage of fearing the creatures that go bump in the night; as a child, I feared "the man in my closet", "the shadow creatures", and "the monster under the bed".

Yet, today, the most terrifying that I can conjure is a human. I can't think of any mythical creature, any scary movie, or paranormal phenomenon that sends my heart out of my chest--but show me a criminal, tell me a story of human torture, or let me witness my own personal demons and you'll leave me trembling.

We're all monsters. We range from an innocent bystander who does nothing to help a victim to deranged psychopaths with a thirst for destruction.

We pick on the weak and strive only for ourselves.

We kill.

We torture.

We bully.

We rape.

We steal.

We lie.

We beat.

We judge.

The sad part is, we do it to others AND ourselves.

As a "dominating" species, we abuse our power/intelligence to the point of self destruction--it's absolutely horrifying.

When will it end?

The Looking Glass

I have heard it preached that on Judgment Day our sins will be shouted from the rooftops. I have come to believe that if this is so, it will not be by some heavenly tribunal or something loathsome that crawls beneath, but from our own countenance screaming out to the world who we really are–when the kind and the good, no matter how plain in this life, will shine forth like suns, while the loathsome and dark will cower from their light. If Heaven is a place where there are no secrets, it would, for some, also be Hell.
- Richard Paul Evans

You have my heart racing and my stomach in rows.
I'm not sure I can take this.

Dad text me to ask how things were going and what I wanted for my birthday.

I miss him very much, more than I’d expect. I know I’m almost 22 and my weekend visitations would’ve subsided once I turned 18.. but it still sucks to not have him here in Kentucky.
You know what I want for my birthday day? To get to see you. Twice a year isn’t enough.

I need to get myself out of this rut. I'm wallowing in my own self pity and it's eating me alive.
I've lost myself, then last year for the first time in years, I thought I was found--only to fall back down.
I have so much to be proud of, so many reasons to be happy, yet I still linger on the past.
My past is miniscule compared to the suffering I've seen around me, let alone the whole world--so who do I think I am? What tragedy of mine is so great that I remain motionless?

I'm so sick of standing still. I'm sick of letting everything pass me by. I'm sick of letting others control my life.



I'm ready to define myself and make my dreams come true. I want to help the world and in turn, I'll help myself.

Step 1: let go.

I want to...

Travel the world.
See the unseen.
Visit impoverished countries and lend my hand.
Befriend a beggar on the street.
Lay flowers on flowerless graves.
Console a crying stranger.
Run in a field of flowers.
Sing on a stage.
Swing dance.
Survive a natural disaster.


I want to live.

Article

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2011/09/refusing-to-kill-daughter-pakistani-family-defies-tradition-draws-anger/245691/



This disgusts me. I'm glad her family is standing by her side.

Dragging my feet.

Another bag of bones

Revival

I created this blog today as a means of reviving some of my old self. I used to blog incessantly--myspace, facebook, my journal.com, my actual journal and my first blogger account (here).

My blogs digressed into something I never wanted them to be; they seemed fake, I was striving for someone to listen to me, yet I could not articulate what needed to be heard. Eventually I stopped all together.

I realized that I need this. I need to release what racks my mind. I can't keep all these thoughts in my head and I certainly can't make them all audible, they'd leave my listeners aged and restless. So here I am, back to the blank screen.

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I changed my old domain name and utilized my original blog name for this new account.

I'm here to free my thoughts.

I'm here to find myself again.

I'm here to enjoy the fruits of others mind.

I'm ready to start over.