A step towards recovery...

I know I need to get myself out of my head and get my head into books. I know I need to make school a top priority, but I think a big part of what has sent me far off my path to happiness...is my relationship with God, or lack thereof.

All my life I was part of "the church"--despite not having faith until high school. I was in christian classes one a week since kindergarten. In middle school I went through ""Conformation" to confirm my catholic faith, despite my weak and wavering doubts. High school was a major transformation for me. I went to my first meeting with the youth group at my church and it changed my life... they changed my life. For once I had a strong foothold. I had support to survive. My gpa went from a 2.5 to a 3.8, my popularity grew and eventually people stopped bringing me down. I had confidence because I had God and I had met some of the most amazing people in the world. Now that I've graduated, I've gone to college and have distanced myself from church. I am uncomfortable with the idea of a different youth group, I refuse to go to the groups on campus. The closest I've ever gotten to joining a youth group was "Tuesday Night Live", a skit night thrown by the baptist group on campus, afterwards they always had a group prayer and guest speaker.

Last year was the only time I had felt close to God in the past three years. My ex restored my faith in God. He was the only person who made me think of home, he gave me the comfort my youth group provided for me. He was someone to confide in, as well as he was on a level with God that I had once been. I began looking up scriptures and praying when I was upset (and consulting my ex) and things were brighter. However that year was very difficult on me due to my overload of class work, illness, and family deaths. Distance took a toll on our relationship and thus I fell again.

I realized that even though my relationship with Nathan made me feel closer to God, I still did not fully reconnect as I was too focused on my schooling and using Nathan as a means to help me with my problems. I need to put more faith in God, not just my friends and boyfriends. God knows what's best for me, after all--he provided me with Nathan to get me back on my feet after my debilitating relationship. He provided me with the support of THREE roommates this year to help me through my break up. He reconnected me with a friend who is now my major confidant. He is thus far, the only person I've ever met who has been flat out honest with me. Unlike many of my friends, he doesn't feel like he has to hid his true self from me in fear that I will judge him. For that, I am very grateful. I have someone who I can confide in and not have to worry about repercussions and the same goes to him. I've helped him with some of his internal struggles,e he too is trying to reconnect with God, in turn--I'm encouraged to do the same.

So here I am Lord. I'm ready to fix this. I can't wait around for the comfort of a youth group. I can't expect one person to carry my burdens. I need to put them in your hands and embrace the support of my friends and family.

Let the mending commence.