I thought about telling you the news when I found out, but I've been thinking about telling you a lot of things I haven't.

Call me masochistic, but I seem to prefer to carry my burdens on me and me alone. Though that is not to say that I do not enjoy the occasional helping hand or arms to hold me when the weight is too much to bear.  Or maybe we could chalk it up to communication issues- I can't communicate what I feel when I know it may burden or hurt another.

I digress, the real point of the matter is damn genetics. How can one little gene have such a hold on my family. A single gene; an unrelenting brute with the desire to kill.

Your familiar voice sinks into my ears and I'm all too comfortable yet again--I hate it. We sing out our stories and cackle amongst ourselves. Then it happens, as if on cue, we stumble right into your delicate lies. The ones you've told your friends, co-workers, and family. The deceptive story of our past. Your impeccable fallacies wreak havoc on me, ravage me. How many years must one age til he realizes the measure of his mistakes? How wrong must one do before he is sorry?

It's sickening to think it's been 4 months today since I last saw you and my feelings still remain. I was reminded today of how much you meant at one point. My roommate went through my photos and saw what you drew for me. It all came rushing back.


Went from being "your rolypoly (pillbug)" to being lesser than a friend. A year thrust aside, but why? Even if your feelings faded--how come I and my brother, one of your close friends, no longer matter?

I hold no resentment, I just want to how/why this happened.

I want to explore

Catch a break

A break from life.

A break from this bullshit.

A break from constant fatigue.

A break from pain.

Your break.

Any break.


----


I feel like there's something terribly wrong with me. There has to be. I feel my whole life is down the drain. My dreams of making it to vet school have slowly dissipated. My financial security rises then plummets every month. My health is practically non-existent.

I can't have a single day, month, year that I don't have something intervene with a critical part of my college career.
Freshman year: Laura (A girl I went to HS with who I knew well) dies in September (first course exams). October (midterm), I catch strep for the first time in years. Crash car on october 20th when driving home to celebrate my birthday week. The entire course of the year--An sexually and verbally abusive relationship.Working 26-30 hours every weekend--cutting out study time.

Sophomore year: Lauren (close friend) dies in October, 3 days before my birthday (midterm week). I'm not told until the day of her funeral, which I am too far away to make in time. We had just made plans to hang out the next time she was in town. On and off relationship (same as the previous year), he conveniently chose to be the hardest on me at times like midterm and finals. Spring time--had to drop a class at midterm due to low marks, because of both my relationship and a farm class (only 1 credit hour but required the 4 hours a week like a 4 credit hour class) intervening. Sick on and off due with strep throat and upper respiratory infections during march (midterm). Working 26 - 30 hours every weekend.  Dad's car he gave me dies in april.


Junior year: Ended my bad relationship, started a new relationship with a supportive boyfriend; long distance strain. October--doctor wants to run some tests because I've been having major sleep and fatigue issues (stil haven't run any tests); on halloween, my aunt dies after 2 years of battling cancer. Proceed to fall asleep during exams due to severe sleep deprivation. Receive bad marks in all of my classes. January: doctor write prescription for ambien until more tests can be run--helps significantly, however cannot be taken nightly due to minimum hours required to take drug and it's high addiction rate. Busiest schedule ever. Sick in march. Boyfriend seems distant--but won't explain why; constant worry.  Working 26 hrs every other weekend.



Senior year: Boyfriend and I break up 3 days before anniversary and 5 days before school begins. Sluggish beginning to school year. Financial aid did not inform me until august that they were missing a paper, therefore the funds for one of my grants were depleted--forcing me to borrow another $2000 (on top of $4500 in loans) and pay roughly $600-800 out of pocket. October: 1 week before my birthday, upper respiratory that forces me to miss a lab and 1 day of class (4 lectures). Sick for 4 days before able to get antibiotics. By my birthday, I feel better. Birthday was terrible. Finally get myself motivated enough to get past all this crap and move on. 3 days after birthday--intense pain and uti symptoms. Suffer for 4 days until on antibiotics. 7 days of antibiotics do nothing for pain or symptoms--pain is to the point that I miss 4 days of lecture and was sent home from work. Go to doctor-- referred for a ct Scan, miss class again. CT scan confirms multiple kidney stones in both kidneys. Including 3.5mm stone I passed into bladder. 1 exam the following day. Had less than 24 hrs to study for it. Given vicodin and set up an appointment for urologist. Financial security = 0. Self esteem = 0. 4 exams this week, so far only 1 has been taken and it was horrific. I'm currently studying for the three exams left this week and I see no way to pull of an okay grade in the class from today's exam nor the class or the exam on monday next week.


I will have a terrible gpa again and there's not much to do about it. It's like constant bullcrap.

Listening to #1 on my playlist...

Despite the fact that my problems do not entail any relation to drinking, I can't help I but relate. I never let myself get better. I'm running in the same damn circle I have for years. Sure, for a short while I was off this worn path and onto something better--but that was thrown back in my face months ago. So here I am, wallowing in my own self pity. "When you realize it's a pattern and not a phase..." couldn't strike home more for me. I don't allow myself to get better. I hold my hopes high but my motivation low. I want someone to come in and swoop me off my feet. I want someone to take away all the bad. I want one person to UNDERSTAND my problems instead of shying away from me like others. When my friends notice there's something wrong I push them away, yet I expect to get better. I expect that all it'll take is that one person. THAT PERSON HAS TO BE ME. I have to get better before I can really expect to find someone willing to dedicate themselves to me, when I can barely commit to myself.

I've noticed that no matter how good of a friend, lover, girl friend, daughter, sister that I am, it won't keep them around until I give myself some leeway to enjoy life. I worry so damn much about what others will think of me if I mess up that I won't participate in many activities. I get so caught up in my own desperation to move on that I forget to move forward in my academics. I'm in a deep freaking hole.

Things are better now, when will I realize that?

I'm not surrounded by people who think the world is better off without me.
I'm out of an sexually/mentally abusive, unfaithful, controlling relationship.
I have friends and family who support me.
I have a dad, despite the distance, who is more attentive now than he ever was during my childhood.
I'm on good terms with my good ex, though I still feel the ting of abandonment from that relationship. Even he didn't keep his word on the one area he said he would, that aside I can still say he is one of the most amazing guys I know.  He caused me no real harm, I wish him the best.

I've been abandoned, scarred, tormented and morphed by many people. It's hard to not in the mirror and think how unattractive I really am. It's hard to trust people when every day I see their lies--that's what happens when you become accustomed to watching in the silence, you learn to read people, you begin to know them better than they know themselves. It's hard not to worry that if I do dedicate myself again to life, to truly let go and move on, that it won't happen again. I know it'll never be like it was in my younger years...but the thought still cripples me. However, I know that's not my only problem--when I'm down, I make myself fall harder. Instead of trying again, I just tell myself more reasons to why I should stay down.

I'm determined to fix this damn it. It's been too long. I have time to myself now-a-days. I will do this.

I pity anyone who has never owned a pet.

I don't mean someone who can't own a pet--be it financial constriction or living situation, though I do feel sorry for them; I pity the people who never owned a pet and never will.


The people who think I'm crazy for saying my dog is one of my best friends. The people who are grossed out when my dog sheds on them. The people who think it's a waste of time to dedicate my life to both humans and animals.

They have never owned a pet, therefore they do not know how strong the animal-human bond can be. They don't understand the unconditional love that an animal will give their owner. They think it's a waste of time and money to own a pet. They believe that animals only 'love' because we feed them.  They don't think animals communicate (with humans or other animals, hence when a dog barks, it's just being loud). They don't think animals have the ability to feel, fear, ration, etc.

They'll never know until they own one. They'll never understand. I don't care how many animals they've been around, they have to live with one to know--because of this, I pity them greatly.

I'm proud to say that Sparky has impacted me in more ways than I can name. I cannot fathom who I'd be, had I not owned him. He has been there for me when my friends and family have not. He is the reason why I will never give up on trying to be a Veterinarian. I want to help lengthen pets lives--not just for them, but for their owners as well. We need our pets more than they'll ever need us.

-----------------


" A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

Part 2

We're monsters. Once said, always said.

Beautiful monsters, but still monsters.

I do not and will not hate humanity. I love that I am human. I love our species. We are beautiful and broken. We all need help. We are the leading species, yet we are the most emotionally unstable. One tragic event can lead to the downfall of a good man.

I had this idea, growing up, that I could change the world. That I could inspire others through my actions and bring back the good. That somehow we would realize that what we're doing is destroying "life"  as we know it.

I realize now that I can't change the world--but I still want to strive to make a difference.

I've lost my kindness. I've lost my dedication to others. I've begun to hold grudges. I sit, I muse and I do nothing more.

I want to take action. I want to go back to the sweet girl I was before. I want to go out of my way to give someone a compliment every day. I want to make people laugh. I want to make people realize they're worth something. I want to protect a friend. I want to fight poverty. I want broaden mine and others horizons. I want to beautify the world one step at a time.

I'm tired of being afraid to change myself. I'm tired of doing what mainstream society tells me too. Life is not about being rich and famous. It's about living for others. It's about protecting the unprotected. It's about being vulnerable. It's about improving the world to improve yourself.

The war may never be won, but I can certainly contribute to the battle. We all can.

Part 1.

We've all went through a stage of fearing the creatures that go bump in the night; as a child, I feared "the man in my closet", "the shadow creatures", and "the monster under the bed".

Yet, today, the most terrifying that I can conjure is a human. I can't think of any mythical creature, any scary movie, or paranormal phenomenon that sends my heart out of my chest--but show me a criminal, tell me a story of human torture, or let me witness my own personal demons and you'll leave me trembling.

We're all monsters. We range from an innocent bystander who does nothing to help a victim to deranged psychopaths with a thirst for destruction.

We pick on the weak and strive only for ourselves.

We kill.

We torture.

We bully.

We rape.

We steal.

We lie.

We beat.

We judge.

The sad part is, we do it to others AND ourselves.

As a "dominating" species, we abuse our power/intelligence to the point of self destruction--it's absolutely horrifying.

When will it end?

The Looking Glass

I have heard it preached that on Judgment Day our sins will be shouted from the rooftops. I have come to believe that if this is so, it will not be by some heavenly tribunal or something loathsome that crawls beneath, but from our own countenance screaming out to the world who we really are–when the kind and the good, no matter how plain in this life, will shine forth like suns, while the loathsome and dark will cower from their light. If Heaven is a place where there are no secrets, it would, for some, also be Hell.
- Richard Paul Evans

I want to...

Travel the world.
See the unseen.
Visit impoverished countries and lend my hand.
Befriend a beggar on the street.
Lay flowers on flowerless graves.
Console a crying stranger.
Run in a field of flowers.
Sing on a stage.
Swing dance.
Survive a natural disaster.


I want to live.

Revival

I created this blog today as a means of reviving some of my old self. I used to blog incessantly--myspace, facebook, my journal.com, my actual journal and my first blogger account (here).

My blogs digressed into something I never wanted them to be; they seemed fake, I was striving for someone to listen to me, yet I could not articulate what needed to be heard. Eventually I stopped all together.

I realized that I need this. I need to release what racks my mind. I can't keep all these thoughts in my head and I certainly can't make them all audible, they'd leave my listeners aged and restless. So here I am, back to the blank screen.

---

I changed my old domain name and utilized my original blog name for this new account.

I'm here to free my thoughts.

I'm here to find myself again.

I'm here to enjoy the fruits of others mind.

I'm ready to start over.