Sunday, November 13, 2011
Weary and restless soul
I wish I had a day or two to lay in bed and revel in all the music around me. I find myself unable to pull away from music sometimes. I get caught up in listening to songs that I'll stay up hours past the time I was meant to be in bed. I sink with words and drown in sound. Music makes audible what's raging inside of me; it relieves this loneliness. I cling to it's sound like I did to you when we'd sleep. Music provides me with a sense of peace. It lifts my heavy heart and crestfallen head to meet the light.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Catch a break
A break from life.
A break from this bullshit.
A break from constant fatigue.
A break from pain.
Your break.
Any break.
----
I feel like there's something terribly wrong with me. There has to be. I feel my whole life is down the drain. My dreams of making it to vet school have slowly dissipated. My financial security rises then plummets every month. My health is practically non-existent.
I can't have a single day, month, year that I don't have something intervene with a critical part of my college career.
Freshman year: Laura (A girl I went to HS with who I knew well) dies in September (first course exams). October (midterm), I catch strep for the first time in years. Crash car on october 20th when driving home to celebrate my birthday week. The entire course of the year--An sexually and verbally abusive relationship.Working 26-30 hours every weekend--cutting out study time.
Sophomore year: Lauren (close friend) dies in October, 3 days before my birthday (midterm week). I'm not told until the day of her funeral, which I am too far away to make in time. We had just made plans to hang out the next time she was in town. On and off relationship (same as the previous year), he conveniently chose to be the hardest on me at times like midterm and finals. Spring time--had to drop a class at midterm due to low marks, because of both my relationship and a farm class (only 1 credit hour but required the 4 hours a week like a 4 credit hour class) intervening. Sick on and off due with strep throat and upper respiratory infections during march (midterm). Working 26 - 30 hours every weekend. Dad's car he gave me dies in april.
Junior year: Ended my bad relationship, started a new relationship with a supportive boyfriend; long distance strain. October--doctor wants to run some tests because I've been having major sleep and fatigue issues (stil haven't run any tests); on halloween, my aunt dies after 2 years of battling cancer. Proceed to fall asleep during exams due to severe sleep deprivation. Receive bad marks in all of my classes. January: doctor write prescription for ambien until more tests can be run--helps significantly, however cannot be taken nightly due to minimum hours required to take drug and it's high addiction rate. Busiest schedule ever. Sick in march. Boyfriend seems distant--but won't explain why; constant worry. Working 26 hrs every other weekend.
Senior year: Boyfriend and I break up 3 days before anniversary and 5 days before school begins. Sluggish beginning to school year. Financial aid did not inform me until august that they were missing a paper, therefore the funds for one of my grants were depleted--forcing me to borrow another $2000 (on top of $4500 in loans) and pay roughly $600-800 out of pocket. October: 1 week before my birthday, upper respiratory that forces me to miss a lab and 1 day of class (4 lectures). Sick for 4 days before able to get antibiotics. By my birthday, I feel better. Birthday was terrible. Finally get myself motivated enough to get past all this crap and move on. 3 days after birthday--intense pain and uti symptoms. Suffer for 4 days until on antibiotics. 7 days of antibiotics do nothing for pain or symptoms--pain is to the point that I miss 4 days of lecture and was sent home from work. Go to doctor-- referred for a ct Scan, miss class again. CT scan confirms multiple kidney stones in both kidneys. Including 3.5mm stone I passed into bladder. 1 exam the following day. Had less than 24 hrs to study for it. Given vicodin and set up an appointment for urologist. Financial security = 0. Self esteem = 0. 4 exams this week, so far only 1 has been taken and it was horrific. I'm currently studying for the three exams left this week and I see no way to pull of an okay grade in the class from today's exam nor the class or the exam on monday next week.
I will have a terrible gpa again and there's not much to do about it. It's like constant bullcrap.
A break from this bullshit.
A break from constant fatigue.
A break from pain.
Your break.
Any break.
----
I feel like there's something terribly wrong with me. There has to be. I feel my whole life is down the drain. My dreams of making it to vet school have slowly dissipated. My financial security rises then plummets every month. My health is practically non-existent.
I can't have a single day, month, year that I don't have something intervene with a critical part of my college career.
Freshman year: Laura (A girl I went to HS with who I knew well) dies in September (first course exams). October (midterm), I catch strep for the first time in years. Crash car on october 20th when driving home to celebrate my birthday week. The entire course of the year--An sexually and verbally abusive relationship.Working 26-30 hours every weekend--cutting out study time.
Sophomore year: Lauren (close friend) dies in October, 3 days before my birthday (midterm week). I'm not told until the day of her funeral, which I am too far away to make in time. We had just made plans to hang out the next time she was in town. On and off relationship (same as the previous year), he conveniently chose to be the hardest on me at times like midterm and finals. Spring time--had to drop a class at midterm due to low marks, because of both my relationship and a farm class (only 1 credit hour but required the 4 hours a week like a 4 credit hour class) intervening. Sick on and off due with strep throat and upper respiratory infections during march (midterm). Working 26 - 30 hours every weekend. Dad's car he gave me dies in april.
Junior year: Ended my bad relationship, started a new relationship with a supportive boyfriend; long distance strain. October--doctor wants to run some tests because I've been having major sleep and fatigue issues (stil haven't run any tests); on halloween, my aunt dies after 2 years of battling cancer. Proceed to fall asleep during exams due to severe sleep deprivation. Receive bad marks in all of my classes. January: doctor write prescription for ambien until more tests can be run--helps significantly, however cannot be taken nightly due to minimum hours required to take drug and it's high addiction rate. Busiest schedule ever. Sick in march. Boyfriend seems distant--but won't explain why; constant worry. Working 26 hrs every other weekend.
Senior year: Boyfriend and I break up 3 days before anniversary and 5 days before school begins. Sluggish beginning to school year. Financial aid did not inform me until august that they were missing a paper, therefore the funds for one of my grants were depleted--forcing me to borrow another $2000 (on top of $4500 in loans) and pay roughly $600-800 out of pocket. October: 1 week before my birthday, upper respiratory that forces me to miss a lab and 1 day of class (4 lectures). Sick for 4 days before able to get antibiotics. By my birthday, I feel better. Birthday was terrible. Finally get myself motivated enough to get past all this crap and move on. 3 days after birthday--intense pain and uti symptoms. Suffer for 4 days until on antibiotics. 7 days of antibiotics do nothing for pain or symptoms--pain is to the point that I miss 4 days of lecture and was sent home from work. Go to doctor-- referred for a ct Scan, miss class again. CT scan confirms multiple kidney stones in both kidneys. Including 3.5mm stone I passed into bladder. 1 exam the following day. Had less than 24 hrs to study for it. Given vicodin and set up an appointment for urologist. Financial security = 0. Self esteem = 0. 4 exams this week, so far only 1 has been taken and it was horrific. I'm currently studying for the three exams left this week and I see no way to pull of an okay grade in the class from today's exam nor the class or the exam on monday next week.
I will have a terrible gpa again and there's not much to do about it. It's like constant bullcrap.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)