As usual I have fallen out of habit of blogging once again.
I've come to realize that I only have the patience to type out my thoughts when I'm feeling significantly low or high--never the in between.
Thankfully, I'm in the latter state, high-- a high that I've not felt in about three years.
I've stumbled across a certain kind of happiness that has evaded me for many years, honestly long before my past relationships. Although I am still a very insecure person, I have come to love myself and expect the same level of respect for myself as I would expect myself to give to others. In turn, I have opened up my heart again and engaged in the dating field.
It has been a crazy. I had a lot of things happen in the past year that I hadn't expected in the slightest. I met a guy who made me feel like I had some value then turned out to be absolutely two-faced if things did not go his way--a big regret on my behalf on not cutting off that friendship sooner. I "talked" to an absolutely amazing, though often misunderstood man whom I had liked for many years. In doing so, I learned a lot about my inability to open up about things that I think people may judge me on (example: I don't drink, I am reluctant to tell people this because I am often made fun of for such). I learned that something about me is actually quite desirable.
Then among such events, I met one of the most phenomenal men I have ever been blessed enough to know and I am happy to call him my boyfriend. He never ceases to amaze me. I am in awe of his unmatched decency, kindness, intelligence, and goofy nature. I have NEVER met anyone who makes me feel like I am not alone in my way of thinking, that I am not alone in what I believe to be the right way to treat people. He and I are one in the same in that aspect. He is such a damn good person. I cannot be thankful enough for his character. If it were not for him, I would not have realized that I am more closed off to people than I thought. If not for him, I could not address some major intimacy issues that have maimed me due to events from the past. I feel a sense of completeness that I haven't felt since childhood. I can look at him and know that if I need something, he is there for me no matter what. I have security again. I feel safe with him--even if I struggle to be open or let my guard down at times.
He has his flaws, as do I, but it is something that I embrace and for the first time--ever, he is someone that actually makes an effort to address issues if we have them. That is unheard of for any relationship I've had--both long term and more casual. I do not have to earn an apology, he gives an apology when an apology is due. I no longer have to feel like I am inferior to my partner because of my gender. I don't have beg just to get his opinion on something. I don't have to try to wiggle in my wants, needs, fears, and hopes into a conversation--he asks.
It is a happiness I have not felt in a long, long time. To feel like my opinion means something. To know that my feelings actually matter. To be part of the reason why he smiles.
It's a much needed partnership. Something that I'll be grateful for whether we stay together or not, as he is both a supportive best friend and boyfriend.
