As usual I have fallen out of habit of blogging once again.

I've come to realize that I only have the patience to type out my thoughts when I'm feeling significantly low or high--never the in between.

Thankfully, I'm in the latter state, high-- a high that I've not felt in about three years.

I've stumbled across a certain kind of happiness that has evaded me for many years, honestly long before my past relationships. Although I am still a very insecure person, I have come to love myself and expect the same level of respect for myself as I would expect myself to give to others. In turn, I have opened up my heart again and engaged in the dating field.

It has been a crazy. I had a lot of things happen in the past year that I hadn't expected in the slightest. I met a guy who made me feel like I had some value then turned out to be absolutely two-faced if things did not go his way--a big regret on my behalf on not cutting off that friendship sooner. I "talked" to an absolutely amazing, though often misunderstood man whom I had liked for many years. In doing so, I learned a lot about my inability to open up about things that I think people may judge me on (example: I don't drink, I am reluctant to tell people this because I am often made fun of for such). I learned that something about me is actually quite desirable.

Then among such events, I met one of the most phenomenal men I have ever been blessed enough to know and I am happy to call him my boyfriend. He never ceases to amaze me. I am in awe of his unmatched decency, kindness, intelligence, and goofy nature. I have NEVER met anyone who makes me feel like I am not alone in my way of thinking, that I am not alone in what I believe to be the right way to treat people. He and I are one in the same in that aspect. He is such a damn good person. I cannot be thankful enough for his character. If it were not for him, I would not have realized that I am more closed off to people than I thought. If not for him, I could not address some major intimacy issues that have maimed me due to events from the past. I feel a sense of completeness that I haven't felt since childhood. I can look at him and know that if I need something, he is there for me no matter what. I have security again. I feel safe with him--even if I struggle to be open or let my guard down at times.

He has his flaws, as do I, but it is something that I embrace and for the first time--ever, he is someone that actually makes an effort to address issues if we have them. That is unheard of for any relationship I've had--both long term and more casual. I do not have to earn an apology, he gives an apology when an apology is due. I no longer have to feel like I am inferior to my partner because of my gender. I don't have beg just to get his opinion on something. I don't have to try to wiggle in my wants, needs, fears, and hopes into a conversation--he asks.

It is a happiness I have not felt in a long, long time. To feel like my opinion means something. To know that my feelings actually matter. To be part of the reason why he smiles.

It's a much needed partnership. Something that I'll be grateful for whether we stay together or not, as he is both a supportive best friend and boyfriend.

I want to taste the sea.

The salt at the tip of my tongue and freckled across my lips.

A mix of tan and pale, blue locked on blue.

Motions like waves, crash and dissipate.

I thought about telling you the news when I found out, but I've been thinking about telling you a lot of things I haven't.

Call me masochistic, but I seem to prefer to carry my burdens on me and me alone. Though that is not to say that I do not enjoy the occasional helping hand or arms to hold me when the weight is too much to bear.  Or maybe we could chalk it up to communication issues- I can't communicate what I feel when I know it may burden or hurt another.

I digress, the real point of the matter is damn genetics. How can one little gene have such a hold on my family. A single gene; an unrelenting brute with the desire to kill.

I hate the heart-sinking feeling of disappointment.

The sudden onset of downcast eyes and a hanging head.


I've always considered myself to be someone who is easily pleased. Show me an act of kindness and I'll show you an eternity. However, when I'm let down, it hits me hard. I do not understand why it is so hard for people, friends and enemies alike, to show common courtesy. It's unfathomable, to me, for so many people to only care about themselves--to lack a vital quality such as empathy.

I'm not trying to preach and I know I often come off as a "Holier than thou" personality type--but I can say that 99% of the time, I try to treat others how I'd want to be treated. I always look at a situation from every angle and treat it as fairly as I can. Is it truly THAT hard to place yourself in another person's shoes? To think of their situation as your own?

I guess it really is difficult to some people and that is what disappoints me. To put forth every effort you have into doing your best for everyone around you and constantly being let down by them. Sitting back and watching people mistreat others. People holding grudges, lying, using and abusing. Witnessing 23 years of that and I still have the naivety to not assume the worst in people--innocent of all of the above until proven otherwise.

Sigh. SSDD.

Allison Krauss - It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years

Sad Sponge

That's what I am, at least in the eyes of my brother--and rightly so. He found a simple way to define exactly what I am. A sad sponge.

No, not a sad sponge-- some lonesome sea sponge that wallows in it's own pity at it's inability to reproduce through budding.

Rather, water is to sponge, as sadness is to me.

I absorb all the sadness around me, albeit my own or those in my life. I search for sadness, I feed of sadness, I harbor sadness.

I can't seem to move to work on my own issues until those around me have had their problems alleviated. I try to take that sadness, that frustration, that suffering and make it my own. Once they're uplifted, then I can tackle my issues at hand.

What an exhausting life, the life of the sad sponge.

What happens when max absorbancy is reached? Rupture? Apathy?

Who knows, but I certainly feel I'm reaching my breaking point as of late and there's no one to blame but myself.

Is it too much to ask to be able to help others and still be able to lead the life I'd like to? Apparently so.

Where is my mind?

I've lost the relief I once obtained from blogging.  A real tragedy.

I used to feel the weight lift off my chest with every letter I'd type. The heavy burden that maimed my heart dissipating as my thoughts poured on the empty screen.

Have I fallen so far that what once was uplifting has become nothing more than another obstacle to overcome?

It surely feels so.