A step towards recovery...

I know I need to get myself out of my head and get my head into books. I know I need to make school a top priority, but I think a big part of what has sent me far off my path to happiness...is my relationship with God, or lack thereof.

All my life I was part of "the church"--despite not having faith until high school. I was in christian classes one a week since kindergarten. In middle school I went through ""Conformation" to confirm my catholic faith, despite my weak and wavering doubts. High school was a major transformation for me. I went to my first meeting with the youth group at my church and it changed my life... they changed my life. For once I had a strong foothold. I had support to survive. My gpa went from a 2.5 to a 3.8, my popularity grew and eventually people stopped bringing me down. I had confidence because I had God and I had met some of the most amazing people in the world. Now that I've graduated, I've gone to college and have distanced myself from church. I am uncomfortable with the idea of a different youth group, I refuse to go to the groups on campus. The closest I've ever gotten to joining a youth group was "Tuesday Night Live", a skit night thrown by the baptist group on campus, afterwards they always had a group prayer and guest speaker.

Last year was the only time I had felt close to God in the past three years. My ex restored my faith in God. He was the only person who made me think of home, he gave me the comfort my youth group provided for me. He was someone to confide in, as well as he was on a level with God that I had once been. I began looking up scriptures and praying when I was upset (and consulting my ex) and things were brighter. However that year was very difficult on me due to my overload of class work, illness, and family deaths. Distance took a toll on our relationship and thus I fell again.

I realized that even though my relationship with Nathan made me feel closer to God, I still did not fully reconnect as I was too focused on my schooling and using Nathan as a means to help me with my problems. I need to put more faith in God, not just my friends and boyfriends. God knows what's best for me, after all--he provided me with Nathan to get me back on my feet after my debilitating relationship. He provided me with the support of THREE roommates this year to help me through my break up. He reconnected me with a friend who is now my major confidant. He is thus far, the only person I've ever met who has been flat out honest with me. Unlike many of my friends, he doesn't feel like he has to hid his true self from me in fear that I will judge him. For that, I am very grateful. I have someone who I can confide in and not have to worry about repercussions and the same goes to him. I've helped him with some of his internal struggles,e he too is trying to reconnect with God, in turn--I'm encouraged to do the same.

So here I am Lord. I'm ready to fix this. I can't wait around for the comfort of a youth group. I can't expect one person to carry my burdens. I need to put them in your hands and embrace the support of my friends and family.

Let the mending commence.

Listening to #1 on my playlist...

Despite the fact that my problems do not entail any relation to drinking, I can't help I but relate. I never let myself get better. I'm running in the same damn circle I have for years. Sure, for a short while I was off this worn path and onto something better--but that was thrown back in my face months ago. So here I am, wallowing in my own self pity. "When you realize it's a pattern and not a phase..." couldn't strike home more for me. I don't allow myself to get better. I hold my hopes high but my motivation low. I want someone to come in and swoop me off my feet. I want someone to take away all the bad. I want one person to UNDERSTAND my problems instead of shying away from me like others. When my friends notice there's something wrong I push them away, yet I expect to get better. I expect that all it'll take is that one person. THAT PERSON HAS TO BE ME. I have to get better before I can really expect to find someone willing to dedicate themselves to me, when I can barely commit to myself.

I've noticed that no matter how good of a friend, lover, girl friend, daughter, sister that I am, it won't keep them around until I give myself some leeway to enjoy life. I worry so damn much about what others will think of me if I mess up that I won't participate in many activities. I get so caught up in my own desperation to move on that I forget to move forward in my academics. I'm in a deep freaking hole.

Things are better now, when will I realize that?

I'm not surrounded by people who think the world is better off without me.
I'm out of an sexually/mentally abusive, unfaithful, controlling relationship.
I have friends and family who support me.
I have a dad, despite the distance, who is more attentive now than he ever was during my childhood.
I'm on good terms with my good ex, though I still feel the ting of abandonment from that relationship. Even he didn't keep his word on the one area he said he would, that aside I can still say he is one of the most amazing guys I know.  He caused me no real harm, I wish him the best.

I've been abandoned, scarred, tormented and morphed by many people. It's hard to not in the mirror and think how unattractive I really am. It's hard to trust people when every day I see their lies--that's what happens when you become accustomed to watching in the silence, you learn to read people, you begin to know them better than they know themselves. It's hard not to worry that if I do dedicate myself again to life, to truly let go and move on, that it won't happen again. I know it'll never be like it was in my younger years...but the thought still cripples me. However, I know that's not my only problem--when I'm down, I make myself fall harder. Instead of trying again, I just tell myself more reasons to why I should stay down.

I'm determined to fix this damn it. It's been too long. I have time to myself now-a-days. I will do this.

Glad this week is over.

One hell of a week but my friends helped me through it. I feel much better now and I'm glad to be back home :)

On a separate note, I added a playlist to my page. It's currently on auto play, I may change that--not sure if I like it.

I encourage any of you who are into music (specifically acoustic sets) to check out "Human Nature" by Rucca. It's an acoustic duo of two girls who I graduated with, one of them is a good friend of mine and I'm sure she'd greatly appreciate it. Also you can check them out at here.

Enjoy!

I have the worst damn luck.

once said, always said.

I pity anyone who has never owned a pet.

I don't mean someone who can't own a pet--be it financial constriction or living situation, though I do feel sorry for them; I pity the people who never owned a pet and never will.


The people who think I'm crazy for saying my dog is one of my best friends. The people who are grossed out when my dog sheds on them. The people who think it's a waste of time to dedicate my life to both humans and animals.

They have never owned a pet, therefore they do not know how strong the animal-human bond can be. They don't understand the unconditional love that an animal will give their owner. They think it's a waste of time and money to own a pet. They believe that animals only 'love' because we feed them.  They don't think animals communicate (with humans or other animals, hence when a dog barks, it's just being loud). They don't think animals have the ability to feel, fear, ration, etc.

They'll never know until they own one. They'll never understand. I don't care how many animals they've been around, they have to live with one to know--because of this, I pity them greatly.

I'm proud to say that Sparky has impacted me in more ways than I can name. I cannot fathom who I'd be, had I not owned him. He has been there for me when my friends and family have not. He is the reason why I will never give up on trying to be a Veterinarian. I want to help lengthen pets lives--not just for them, but for their owners as well. We need our pets more than they'll ever need us.

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" A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

Reflection

I can't say there is a specific reason, I had no sudden realization that I should be a vet--I have wanted to work with animals since I was little. There's just something about life that intrigues me, as a child I was constantly out hunting for insects, snakes and rabbits to take care of and observe. Most all of my earliest memories involve my adventures of the outdoors and my encounters with animals; when I was 3 I picked up my first snake (to my dad's dismay), at the age of 5, I was capturing insects and hiding them in my room, and as a teen, I'd spend all the daylight out in the woods observing wildlife.

It's no wonder that my favorite subject is Biology--I love how everything in our world thrives off of the existence of another. There is a balance of nature that should be observed and appreciated by all. Yet, I feel like I've  become one of them. I've become one of those people who just moves through my life, just trying to survive college and keep my job. It sickens me. I have become depressive and immobile over these past few years, just WAITING to get finished with college. I've lost my drive, I've lost my passion, I've lost sense of who I am as a person. I've become another drone of society, just trying to make survive American culture.

I need to rekindle that love for everything around me, appreciate what I have and what I can do for others. If I keep running in the same circle that I've paved these past few years, I'll never get out. I want to enjoy my classes. I want to get up at 8 a.m. and hike. I want show up late for work because I stopped to smell the flowers. I want to explore the world around instead of just trying to jump through all the rings society throws at me. I want to enjoy life.

Hmm..

I don't understand how some people don't like to read.  My roommate and I were discussing some classic works we were required to read in high school such as The Great Gatsby, Lord of The Flies, The Yellow Wallpaper, Harrison Bergeron, The Most Dangerous Game, Of Mice and Men, and Catcher in The Rye. During our discussion, majority of those who joined in (friends) had no recollection of such books or disliked every such work.  I found this quite shocking, but I suppose everyone is different.

But how, HOW can one not enjoy reading? I'm dying to read something, anything other than one of my textbooks. It's been forever since I've read a "real" novel. After talking with my roommate, I'm a bit nostalgic for the days of high school--I used to read 2-3 books a week (recreational).

Thankfully, I may relive some of those memories soon. I found a $25 gift card my dad gave me a while back that I can use to buy a few books--I'd like to buy a couple of the works I read in high school.

I was thinking Catcher in The Rye and What's Eating Gilbert Grape. It's been quite some time since I've read either of these. In addition, there are quite a few Hunter S. Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut novels that I've wanted to read for some time that I've yet to purchase.

Besides those novels, I need to tackle something different--but I have no idea where to start.

Suggestions?