It's sickening to think it's been 4 months today since I last saw you and my feelings still remain. I was reminded today of how much you meant at one point. My roommate went through my photos and saw what you drew for me. It all came rushing back.
Went from being "your rolypoly (pillbug)" to being lesser than a friend. A year thrust aside, but why? Even if your feelings faded--how come I and my brother, one of your close friends, no longer matter?
I hold no resentment, I just want to how/why this happened.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Weary and restless soul
I wish I had a day or two to lay in bed and revel in all the music around me. I find myself unable to pull away from music sometimes. I get caught up in listening to songs that I'll stay up hours past the time I was meant to be in bed. I sink with words and drown in sound. Music makes audible what's raging inside of me; it relieves this loneliness. I cling to it's sound like I did to you when we'd sleep. Music provides me with a sense of peace. It lifts my heavy heart and crestfallen head to meet the light.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Catch a break
A break from life.
A break from this bullshit.
A break from constant fatigue.
A break from pain.
Your break.
Any break.
----
I feel like there's something terribly wrong with me. There has to be. I feel my whole life is down the drain. My dreams of making it to vet school have slowly dissipated. My financial security rises then plummets every month. My health is practically non-existent.
I can't have a single day, month, year that I don't have something intervene with a critical part of my college career.
Freshman year: Laura (A girl I went to HS with who I knew well) dies in September (first course exams). October (midterm), I catch strep for the first time in years. Crash car on october 20th when driving home to celebrate my birthday week. The entire course of the year--An sexually and verbally abusive relationship.Working 26-30 hours every weekend--cutting out study time.
Sophomore year: Lauren (close friend) dies in October, 3 days before my birthday (midterm week). I'm not told until the day of her funeral, which I am too far away to make in time. We had just made plans to hang out the next time she was in town. On and off relationship (same as the previous year), he conveniently chose to be the hardest on me at times like midterm and finals. Spring time--had to drop a class at midterm due to low marks, because of both my relationship and a farm class (only 1 credit hour but required the 4 hours a week like a 4 credit hour class) intervening. Sick on and off due with strep throat and upper respiratory infections during march (midterm). Working 26 - 30 hours every weekend. Dad's car he gave me dies in april.
Junior year: Ended my bad relationship, started a new relationship with a supportive boyfriend; long distance strain. October--doctor wants to run some tests because I've been having major sleep and fatigue issues (stil haven't run any tests); on halloween, my aunt dies after 2 years of battling cancer. Proceed to fall asleep during exams due to severe sleep deprivation. Receive bad marks in all of my classes. January: doctor write prescription for ambien until more tests can be run--helps significantly, however cannot be taken nightly due to minimum hours required to take drug and it's high addiction rate. Busiest schedule ever. Sick in march. Boyfriend seems distant--but won't explain why; constant worry. Working 26 hrs every other weekend.
Senior year: Boyfriend and I break up 3 days before anniversary and 5 days before school begins. Sluggish beginning to school year. Financial aid did not inform me until august that they were missing a paper, therefore the funds for one of my grants were depleted--forcing me to borrow another $2000 (on top of $4500 in loans) and pay roughly $600-800 out of pocket. October: 1 week before my birthday, upper respiratory that forces me to miss a lab and 1 day of class (4 lectures). Sick for 4 days before able to get antibiotics. By my birthday, I feel better. Birthday was terrible. Finally get myself motivated enough to get past all this crap and move on. 3 days after birthday--intense pain and uti symptoms. Suffer for 4 days until on antibiotics. 7 days of antibiotics do nothing for pain or symptoms--pain is to the point that I miss 4 days of lecture and was sent home from work. Go to doctor-- referred for a ct Scan, miss class again. CT scan confirms multiple kidney stones in both kidneys. Including 3.5mm stone I passed into bladder. 1 exam the following day. Had less than 24 hrs to study for it. Given vicodin and set up an appointment for urologist. Financial security = 0. Self esteem = 0. 4 exams this week, so far only 1 has been taken and it was horrific. I'm currently studying for the three exams left this week and I see no way to pull of an okay grade in the class from today's exam nor the class or the exam on monday next week.
I will have a terrible gpa again and there's not much to do about it. It's like constant bullcrap.
A break from this bullshit.
A break from constant fatigue.
A break from pain.
Your break.
Any break.
----
I feel like there's something terribly wrong with me. There has to be. I feel my whole life is down the drain. My dreams of making it to vet school have slowly dissipated. My financial security rises then plummets every month. My health is practically non-existent.
I can't have a single day, month, year that I don't have something intervene with a critical part of my college career.
Freshman year: Laura (A girl I went to HS with who I knew well) dies in September (first course exams). October (midterm), I catch strep for the first time in years. Crash car on october 20th when driving home to celebrate my birthday week. The entire course of the year--An sexually and verbally abusive relationship.Working 26-30 hours every weekend--cutting out study time.
Sophomore year: Lauren (close friend) dies in October, 3 days before my birthday (midterm week). I'm not told until the day of her funeral, which I am too far away to make in time. We had just made plans to hang out the next time she was in town. On and off relationship (same as the previous year), he conveniently chose to be the hardest on me at times like midterm and finals. Spring time--had to drop a class at midterm due to low marks, because of both my relationship and a farm class (only 1 credit hour but required the 4 hours a week like a 4 credit hour class) intervening. Sick on and off due with strep throat and upper respiratory infections during march (midterm). Working 26 - 30 hours every weekend. Dad's car he gave me dies in april.
Junior year: Ended my bad relationship, started a new relationship with a supportive boyfriend; long distance strain. October--doctor wants to run some tests because I've been having major sleep and fatigue issues (stil haven't run any tests); on halloween, my aunt dies after 2 years of battling cancer. Proceed to fall asleep during exams due to severe sleep deprivation. Receive bad marks in all of my classes. January: doctor write prescription for ambien until more tests can be run--helps significantly, however cannot be taken nightly due to minimum hours required to take drug and it's high addiction rate. Busiest schedule ever. Sick in march. Boyfriend seems distant--but won't explain why; constant worry. Working 26 hrs every other weekend.
Senior year: Boyfriend and I break up 3 days before anniversary and 5 days before school begins. Sluggish beginning to school year. Financial aid did not inform me until august that they were missing a paper, therefore the funds for one of my grants were depleted--forcing me to borrow another $2000 (on top of $4500 in loans) and pay roughly $600-800 out of pocket. October: 1 week before my birthday, upper respiratory that forces me to miss a lab and 1 day of class (4 lectures). Sick for 4 days before able to get antibiotics. By my birthday, I feel better. Birthday was terrible. Finally get myself motivated enough to get past all this crap and move on. 3 days after birthday--intense pain and uti symptoms. Suffer for 4 days until on antibiotics. 7 days of antibiotics do nothing for pain or symptoms--pain is to the point that I miss 4 days of lecture and was sent home from work. Go to doctor-- referred for a ct Scan, miss class again. CT scan confirms multiple kidney stones in both kidneys. Including 3.5mm stone I passed into bladder. 1 exam the following day. Had less than 24 hrs to study for it. Given vicodin and set up an appointment for urologist. Financial security = 0. Self esteem = 0. 4 exams this week, so far only 1 has been taken and it was horrific. I'm currently studying for the three exams left this week and I see no way to pull of an okay grade in the class from today's exam nor the class or the exam on monday next week.
I will have a terrible gpa again and there's not much to do about it. It's like constant bullcrap.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
A step towards recovery...
I know I need to get myself out of my head and get my head into books. I know I need to make school a top priority, but I think a big part of what has sent me far off my path to happiness...is my relationship with God, or lack thereof.
All my life I was part of "the church"--despite not having faith until high school. I was in christian classes one a week since kindergarten. In middle school I went through ""Conformation" to confirm my catholic faith, despite my weak and wavering doubts. High school was a major transformation for me. I went to my first meeting with the youth group at my church and it changed my life... they changed my life. For once I had a strong foothold. I had support to survive. My gpa went from a 2.5 to a 3.8, my popularity grew and eventually people stopped bringing me down. I had confidence because I had God and I had met some of the most amazing people in the world. Now that I've graduated, I've gone to college and have distanced myself from church. I am uncomfortable with the idea of a different youth group, I refuse to go to the groups on campus. The closest I've ever gotten to joining a youth group was "Tuesday Night Live", a skit night thrown by the baptist group on campus, afterwards they always had a group prayer and guest speaker.
Last year was the only time I had felt close to God in the past three years. My ex restored my faith in God. He was the only person who made me think of home, he gave me the comfort my youth group provided for me. He was someone to confide in, as well as he was on a level with God that I had once been. I began looking up scriptures and praying when I was upset (and consulting my ex) and things were brighter. However that year was very difficult on me due to my overload of class work, illness, and family deaths. Distance took a toll on our relationship and thus I fell again.
I realized that even though my relationship with Nathan made me feel closer to God, I still did not fully reconnect as I was too focused on my schooling and using Nathan as a means to help me with my problems. I need to put more faith in God, not just my friends and boyfriends. God knows what's best for me, after all--he provided me with Nathan to get me back on my feet after my debilitating relationship. He provided me with the support of THREE roommates this year to help me through my break up. He reconnected me with a friend who is now my major confidant. He is thus far, the only person I've ever met who has been flat out honest with me. Unlike many of my friends, he doesn't feel like he has to hid his true self from me in fear that I will judge him. For that, I am very grateful. I have someone who I can confide in and not have to worry about repercussions and the same goes to him. I've helped him with some of his internal struggles,e he too is trying to reconnect with God, in turn--I'm encouraged to do the same.
So here I am Lord. I'm ready to fix this. I can't wait around for the comfort of a youth group. I can't expect one person to carry my burdens. I need to put them in your hands and embrace the support of my friends and family.
Let the mending commence.
All my life I was part of "the church"--despite not having faith until high school. I was in christian classes one a week since kindergarten. In middle school I went through ""Conformation" to confirm my catholic faith, despite my weak and wavering doubts. High school was a major transformation for me. I went to my first meeting with the youth group at my church and it changed my life... they changed my life. For once I had a strong foothold. I had support to survive. My gpa went from a 2.5 to a 3.8, my popularity grew and eventually people stopped bringing me down. I had confidence because I had God and I had met some of the most amazing people in the world. Now that I've graduated, I've gone to college and have distanced myself from church. I am uncomfortable with the idea of a different youth group, I refuse to go to the groups on campus. The closest I've ever gotten to joining a youth group was "Tuesday Night Live", a skit night thrown by the baptist group on campus, afterwards they always had a group prayer and guest speaker.
Last year was the only time I had felt close to God in the past three years. My ex restored my faith in God. He was the only person who made me think of home, he gave me the comfort my youth group provided for me. He was someone to confide in, as well as he was on a level with God that I had once been. I began looking up scriptures and praying when I was upset (and consulting my ex) and things were brighter. However that year was very difficult on me due to my overload of class work, illness, and family deaths. Distance took a toll on our relationship and thus I fell again.
I realized that even though my relationship with Nathan made me feel closer to God, I still did not fully reconnect as I was too focused on my schooling and using Nathan as a means to help me with my problems. I need to put more faith in God, not just my friends and boyfriends. God knows what's best for me, after all--he provided me with Nathan to get me back on my feet after my debilitating relationship. He provided me with the support of THREE roommates this year to help me through my break up. He reconnected me with a friend who is now my major confidant. He is thus far, the only person I've ever met who has been flat out honest with me. Unlike many of my friends, he doesn't feel like he has to hid his true self from me in fear that I will judge him. For that, I am very grateful. I have someone who I can confide in and not have to worry about repercussions and the same goes to him. I've helped him with some of his internal struggles,e he too is trying to reconnect with God, in turn--I'm encouraged to do the same.
So here I am Lord. I'm ready to fix this. I can't wait around for the comfort of a youth group. I can't expect one person to carry my burdens. I need to put them in your hands and embrace the support of my friends and family.
Let the mending commence.
Listening to #1 on my playlist...
Despite the fact that my problems do not entail any relation to drinking, I can't help I but relate. I never let myself get better. I'm running in the same damn circle I have for years. Sure, for a short while I was off this worn path and onto something better--but that was thrown back in my face months ago. So here I am, wallowing in my own self pity. "When you realize it's a pattern and not a phase..." couldn't strike home more for me. I don't allow myself to get better. I hold my hopes high but my motivation low. I want someone to come in and swoop me off my feet. I want someone to take away all the bad. I want one person to UNDERSTAND my problems instead of shying away from me like others. When my friends notice there's something wrong I push them away, yet I expect to get better. I expect that all it'll take is that one person. THAT PERSON HAS TO BE ME. I have to get better before I can really expect to find someone willing to dedicate themselves to me, when I can barely commit to myself.
I've noticed that no matter how good of a friend, lover, girl friend, daughter, sister that I am, it won't keep them around until I give myself some leeway to enjoy life. I worry so damn much about what others will think of me if I mess up that I won't participate in many activities. I get so caught up in my own desperation to move on that I forget to move forward in my academics. I'm in a deep freaking hole.
Things are better now, when will I realize that?
I'm not surrounded by people who think the world is better off without me.
I'm out of an sexually/mentally abusive, unfaithful, controlling relationship.
I have friends and family who support me.
I have a dad, despite the distance, who is more attentive now than he ever was during my childhood.
I'm on good terms with my good ex, though I still feel the ting of abandonment from that relationship. Even he didn't keep his word on the one area he said he would, that aside I can still say he is one of the most amazing guys I know. He caused me no real harm, I wish him the best.
I've been abandoned, scarred, tormented and morphed by many people. It's hard to not in the mirror and think how unattractive I really am. It's hard to trust people when every day I see their lies--that's what happens when you become accustomed to watching in the silence, you learn to read people, you begin to know them better than they know themselves. It's hard not to worry that if I do dedicate myself again to life, to truly let go and move on, that it won't happen again. I know it'll never be like it was in my younger years...but the thought still cripples me. However, I know that's not my only problem--when I'm down, I make myself fall harder. Instead of trying again, I just tell myself more reasons to why I should stay down.
I'm determined to fix this damn it. It's been too long. I have time to myself now-a-days. I will do this.
I've noticed that no matter how good of a friend, lover, girl friend, daughter, sister that I am, it won't keep them around until I give myself some leeway to enjoy life. I worry so damn much about what others will think of me if I mess up that I won't participate in many activities. I get so caught up in my own desperation to move on that I forget to move forward in my academics. I'm in a deep freaking hole.
Things are better now, when will I realize that?
I'm not surrounded by people who think the world is better off without me.
I'm out of an sexually/mentally abusive, unfaithful, controlling relationship.
I have friends and family who support me.
I have a dad, despite the distance, who is more attentive now than he ever was during my childhood.
I'm on good terms with my good ex, though I still feel the ting of abandonment from that relationship. Even he didn't keep his word on the one area he said he would, that aside I can still say he is one of the most amazing guys I know. He caused me no real harm, I wish him the best.
I've been abandoned, scarred, tormented and morphed by many people. It's hard to not in the mirror and think how unattractive I really am. It's hard to trust people when every day I see their lies--that's what happens when you become accustomed to watching in the silence, you learn to read people, you begin to know them better than they know themselves. It's hard not to worry that if I do dedicate myself again to life, to truly let go and move on, that it won't happen again. I know it'll never be like it was in my younger years...but the thought still cripples me. However, I know that's not my only problem--when I'm down, I make myself fall harder. Instead of trying again, I just tell myself more reasons to why I should stay down.
I'm determined to fix this damn it. It's been too long. I have time to myself now-a-days. I will do this.
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