My heart aches for that which is left unsaid between us.

Pheromones.

The door shuts, you pass by without so much as a glance. I know exactly where you are headed.

I watch you with inconspicuous eyes as the light from the bathroom leaks through the cracked door. I hear you frantically trying to wash it from your skin, cleanse your breath of it. Almost as if you hate it's lingering scent as much as I do.

The attempt is feeble. I sometimes wonder if you know that I can still smell it on you...that it pours from you like a thick smog and it takes all I can do to conceal my inner choking.  You always seem to sense the tension afterwards, but do you really get it? The eye aversion, my way of not letting you see the concern in my eyes. The turning of my face....not from anger, but my only effort to seek untarnished air.


You are well aware of my disdain for smoking in general, but have you yet learned my repulsion of you committing the act? It's not because you are participating in something that I dislike so much...it's how it changes you. Do you even know how different you taste when you've not smoked for 48 hours? What it feels like to actually smell you. To take in your pheromones, rather than have them masked by the bitter sweet smell of  cigars. That is something you take away from me each and every time you smoke...the true smell and taste of you.

  I cannot scold you--for it is your body, not mine.  You may do with it what you may, but it is my duty as your partner to fear what is to come of it. And it is I who has to live in the smoke.

sometimes

I just don't know what to think.

I don't ever want to feel unwanted again. I don't want to fear abandonment. I don't want to go through my days thinking that people would be better ogo without me or that if I was gone it would go unnoticed.

I don't want to experience putting my whole heart into someone and my love being expendable.

I want to have value. I want to be someone's forever.

what I really need to do

I want to take in as much of this life as I can. I want to revel in every breath I take.

I want to travel. Need to travel.

I have an insatiable desire to see the world; I want to truly understand the meaning of the word vast. I need to be reminded of my own insignificance in comparison to the grandeur of our universe. I want to be cultured. I want to meet people I'll never forget. Glimpse wonders that can't be unseen.

I need to volunteer. I've found myself to be unhappy when I am uncertain in whether or not I am making a difference with someone or some place in this world. I feel unfulfilled in that aspect of my life.  I want to see people light up when they know they are about to be given the help they deserve. I need to know that I have bettered something or someone. I want to experience what it really means to be grateful.  I want to be humbled. I want to be overwhelmed in knowing that I take what I have for granted. I want to restore my selflessness.

Soon.

well,

When you put it that way it seems like time with me is of little value.  But I suppose that's the epitome of addiction, isn't it?

I love snow patrol. Every song.

Such simple lyrics, but man they can hit the spot on summing up a break up. I am not experiencing any of the feelings in this song now, but at one point in my life I could very much relate. I love that feeling when you  find a song that can bring back those emotions or you can relate to in a specific moment. Makes you feel less alone in your feelings.