Pheromones.

The door shuts, you pass by without so much as a glance. I know exactly where you are headed.

I watch you with inconspicuous eyes as the light from the bathroom leaks through the cracked door. I hear you frantically trying to wash it from your skin, cleanse your breath of it. Almost as if you hate it's lingering scent as much as I do.

The attempt is feeble. I sometimes wonder if you know that I can still smell it on you...that it pours from you like a thick smog and it takes all I can do to conceal my inner choking.  You always seem to sense the tension afterwards, but do you really get it? The eye aversion, my way of not letting you see the concern in my eyes. The turning of my face....not from anger, but my only effort to seek untarnished air.


You are well aware of my disdain for smoking in general, but have you yet learned my repulsion of you committing the act? It's not because you are participating in something that I dislike so much...it's how it changes you. Do you even know how different you taste when you've not smoked for 48 hours? What it feels like to actually smell you. To take in your pheromones, rather than have them masked by the bitter sweet smell of  cigars. That is something you take away from me each and every time you smoke...the true smell and taste of you.

  I cannot scold you--for it is your body, not mine.  You may do with it what you may, but it is my duty as your partner to fear what is to come of it. And it is I who has to live in the smoke.

sometimes

I just don't know what to think.

I don't ever want to feel unwanted again. I don't want to fear abandonment. I don't want to go through my days thinking that people would be better ogo without me or that if I was gone it would go unnoticed.

I don't want to experience putting my whole heart into someone and my love being expendable.

I want to have value. I want to be someone's forever.

what I really need to do

I want to take in as much of this life as I can. I want to revel in every breath I take.

I want to travel. Need to travel.

I have an insatiable desire to see the world; I want to truly understand the meaning of the word vast. I need to be reminded of my own insignificance in comparison to the grandeur of our universe. I want to be cultured. I want to meet people I'll never forget. Glimpse wonders that can't be unseen.

I need to volunteer. I've found myself to be unhappy when I am uncertain in whether or not I am making a difference with someone or some place in this world. I feel unfulfilled in that aspect of my life.  I want to see people light up when they know they are about to be given the help they deserve. I need to know that I have bettered something or someone. I want to experience what it really means to be grateful.  I want to be humbled. I want to be overwhelmed in knowing that I take what I have for granted. I want to restore my selflessness.

Soon.

well,

When you put it that way it seems like time with me is of little value.  But I suppose that's the epitome of addiction, isn't it?

I love snow patrol. Every song.

Such simple lyrics, but man they can hit the spot on summing up a break up. I am not experiencing any of the feelings in this song now, but at one point in my life I could very much relate. I love that feeling when you  find a song that can bring back those emotions or you can relate to in a specific moment. Makes you feel less alone in your feelings.

I'm always the one who fucks everything up and always will be. No matter who's at fault. Me.

I just can't seem do it right. I don't know why. I guess that's okay. I'd rather take the negativity than someone else. Seems I can handle more than others. Rather me be at fault than another.

It just gets a bit overwhelming at times. Can't handle my overload of self criticism. These automatic thoughts can kill.

Can't shake this mood. It's rather annoying.

I feel like I should go outside, instead I just stare blankly at the wall hoping for a change.

What is home?

Apparently I've lost it.

Time and time again I encounter such thoughts in which I state to myself, "I want to go home." What's strange about this is that these thoughts sometimes occur when I am already home. I still live in the house I grew up in....i.e. home.

Makes me recall that scene from garden state:

"Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, [...]"

I feel like I've lost my sense of home since I've moved back to northern Kentucky/back to my house. My family/friends/boyfriend are still home to me but when I see refuge from any of those at a given time, I feel lost. I wonder if this is why when I drive at night (random drives to clear my head) I always end up at the same place. Maybe that's home--my dad's area. Or maybe it's just the wilderness that is home. I'm not sure...but I hope to reestablish home to myself at some point.

What bothers me most is when I knew hours before you told me.

Disdain

You wreaked of it today. At first it seemed so subtle, but then it hit me like a hand across my face. It lingers, lithed amongst your breath. I can taste it on your tongue, a flavor so thick, it's overwhelming. It seeps through your pores and taints what once was flawless with it's unmistakable musk.