Difficulty.

I really need to work on my ability to communicate my feelings towards other people. Specifically love.

I used to preach, and practice such, always telling others how much you love them. I try my best to SHOW others that I love them. I try to be supportive in every way that I can, to defend them, to be there when I am needed....however, saying "I love you" is quite a struggle.

It seems that this is less of a problem when it comes to telling romantic relationships, as it is to telling friends or family.

I used to never have this issue. In fact, as a child, I literally could not sleep or would have nightmares if I did not tell someone I loved them (and it be returned) before I slept. It was part of my routine, whether I was parting with a friend, ending a phone call, leaving the house or going to bed. Everyone had to know that I do not take their presence for granted--that I appreciate every moment with them, that I love them dearly.

In recent times, I am afraid to say such things or I feel awkward about it. I think this is the case because I am no longer around a lot of people who are open about expressing their feelings--at least when it comes to my friends. As far as family, I have no issue telling my dad's family members that I love them. Sometimes, if there has been a large gap in seeing them, it feels awkward but I say it nonetheless. I can't remember the last time saying "I love you" to my mom's family came with ease.

I think this started once I entered middle school. When I started to hate myself, I wouldn't convey my love because I was numb to everything and if someone told me they loved me I resented them for it. I was not worthy of love in my eyes, thanks to the many people who rammed that idea into my head. I started to drift from telling friends I loved them. My I love yous decreased with my brother because he was extremely distant. My mother would get mad when I went downstairs to say goodnight, so the "goodnight, I love you" phrases stopped. I had no support from my immediate family, therefore it felt out of place.

Since then, mom's family has grown and I see them once to twice a year--minus my grandparents or one of my aunts/uncles. No one exchanges I love yous. It is easier to tell my grandparents I love them than it is my own mom--even though I live with her. It's like an unspoken agreement.

I hear her tell her best friend, friend's kids, coworkers...that she loves them--but it is a rarity that it is ever said to me or my brother.

This is a huge problem. I know that it goes both ways....but I do find this to be a huge flaw in my character. I am going back on my word. I try to show the whole world that it is loved...but i exclude some of those close to me because of my own awkwardness and fear of it being unrequited.

That will be my goal, to tell more people I love them. Also, maybe give out more compliments...I always keep my good thoughts to myself.