It's so damn hard to be vulnerable.
To seriously let you in my head. How can I allow that when the thoughts and actions I do allow to be seen or heard always cause problems? How can I portray my feelings or concerns when I can't be critical when I need to be. Why open up my mind if I can't even openly joke or if I'm expected to be happy all of the time.
It's difficult to be open with anyone. Having friends and family who expect me to be in the perfect mood all the time and if I am not then I am reprimanded for such. Having a boyfriend who doesn't expect the perfect mood all the time (which is phenomenal) but expects me to be open enough to speak of my problems and wants me to loosen up and be goofy--but every single time I have been in an open, jokey mood--I end up crying or being hurt because I get snapped at because something I joked about sets him off unexpectedly. Makes it difficult to feel comfortable enough to have fun or to come to him if I have a problem pertaining to HIM (anything else is fine) because who knows if he will be too sensitive to it. Not to say that I don't have fun with my boyfriend--because I do. Not to say that my family is inconsiderate when I'm not happy, but it happens a lot.
I have to take precaution when I talk all of the time because of being interrupted, having no response, or being misinterpreted/offended by such. So, what can I do? Stay quiet? That is usually my go to method of dealing with such troubles. That doesn't mean that any issues at hand are not to be addressed with family, friends, or my boyfriend. I tend to stay quiet and in my head because I am finding my footing. I need to find the right words to convey my feelings over a situation or to clarify one of my actions. Sometimes, I'll figure this out days after an incident. Then I cling to those thoughts until they will be useful again in a recurring event.
You really want to know what goes on in my head? It's a damn mess. Trying to sort for the right words all of the time--both good and bad. I overwhelm myself with my emotions. I have such heightened feelings towards people, sometimes my head is just filled with the nicest things in the world about them and I won't say a single word. Why? Because I've found that people don't appreciate it at times or they don't listen. They don't grasp their own damn beauty and it frustrates me. Sometimes, it's because I'm scared to admit how much I care because allowing that to happen means I am opening up myself for potential pain. I have opened up to people in the past and had that used against me in many ways.
Occasionally, I'm in my head reminiscing about old memories. Stories I wish to tell but don't for fear that words will fall flat to the ears--lack of comprehension of the significance of the event. Other times, I spend my time contemplating things such as life, afterlife, human interaction, biological processes, wants, and fears.
More often than not, all of these are going on all at the same time. How am I to answer, "what are you thinking about?" If I'm thinking about the complexity of apoptosis, ways to make my mom feel appreciated, the way it feels when I glimpse my boyfriend watching me from my periphery, and what I want to achieve in life.
It's a difficult task. I don't mind to let people in my head. If I did, then I'd not blog on here or on tumblr. It's a matter of whether or not it is safe for me to convey such things, if I am thinking of one specific thing verses many, and whether or not the thought I'm having is worth saying aloud.
It's something I should work on, specifically when it comes to when I am upset. I will eventually speak my mind if I don't think my feelings are negligible. It just may take time because I have to think out what I say. But, I am not going to say how I feel about something (when upset) if I don't feel that I'm going to be listened to...or if I feel that it will just make things worse--i'd rather take criticism than dish it out.
blah what a messy blog.
On the bright side, since I have met my boyfriend, I have become more apt to allow others to help me with my burdens. That's one area I am very open minded with--if I have a bad day...I let my boyfriend know and I accept whatever help he may offer. It's a nice feeling to have someone to fall back on when things become too stressful. I've been a little better with my family as well, but they often don't care to hear about my day unless I am distraught...so that area is still a work in progress. Hopefully I can let down some guard and just completely be me...and whatever happens, happens.
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